Who's the sidekick?
by Never-strike-twice
Summary: James Potter and Sirius Black are relaxing at Hogwarts, when suddenly it occurs to James that they don't know which one of them is the sidekick and which is the cool one. A rather pointless argument ensues. Please read and review!


It was a warm summer's day, and James Potter and Sirius Black were lounging casually on the Hogwarts grounds when James was struck by a horribly troubling question.

"Hey, Padfoot?" He opened the conversation, shattering a silence that had lasted a record-breaking two minutes.

"Yes Prongs?" The reply was almost lazy, given that the person giving it voice had been desperately trying to think up things to talk about to end the interminable boredom of their long gap from conversation.

"Have you ever wondered which one of us is the sidekick?"

"No. It's obviously me. I am clearly the cool one, which makes you the sidekick." He said this so matter of factly that it took James a moment to realise he had been insulted.

"Hey! What the hell? I am _so_ the cool one, so _you_ must be the sidekick!"

"How in Merlin's name are you the cool one?" James struggled for a moment with this one. Being put on the spot and suddenly asked why you're cool isn't generally viewed as one of the more easy situations to deal with. He ran a hand through his hair to buy himself time, then realised that it was utterly ineffectual, given that he could talk and mess his hair up at the same time. Then it occurred to him that that was multitasking, and it was a well-known fact that only women could multitask, so what did that make him? He brought himself back from this rambling and altogether confusing line of thinking with a start, and said the first thing that came into his head.

"Well, I'm better at Quidditch. That automatically makes me awesome."

"For a start, you are not better at Quidditch. And secondly, I am cooler because I am infinitely more attractive." Sirius seemed to have a lot less trouble with talking himself up than James did. Which, considering the size of James' ego at times, was really quite extraordinary.

"You are wrong on both counts? I – " he was cut off by Sirius' mocking laughter.

"On both counts? Seriously? Who says that in real life? You sound like you're talking in essay form! Actually, scratch that, you don't even say that in essays."

"How do you know? If you're sad enough be reading my essays, you are clearly the sidekick."

"I was _copying_ your essay. Of course I was reading it."

"You see? Solid proof. I write the essays, you copy them. Therefore I am the cool one, and you are the sidekick."

"Mate, you finished copying my Charms essay fifteen minutes ago." James really didn't know what to say to that. What are you meant to reply to a statement of blatant fact? He floundered.

"Well...I...you... You copy my essays more often than I copy yours." Unfortunately for him, Sirius was ready with a response to this.

"...Which clearly proves that I am cooler than you. I use the time that you spend writing essays just basking in my own awesomeness."

"You spend the same amount of time copying the essays you didn't bother to write."

"That takes so much less time!"

"Now you are just avoiding the point, which is that I am billions of time cooler than you, and you have been reinstated to the role of mere sidekick."

Eventually the bickering pair made their way to Remus, who, as always, was given the _oh so lovely_ role of solving their argument.

"Oi Moony!" Remus Lupin looked up from the book he had been studying intensely before he was rudely interrupted by the best friends who were, by now, squabbling like a married couple. Sometimes, Remus privately wondered if they were, and had simply neglected to invite him to the wedding. Oh, and it should probably be mentioned that it was a week before their OWLs, and Remus was less than delighted to be asked stupid questions that he was sure to be abused for answering, whatever he said.

"What?" He snapped his book shut. Anybody who had been friends with Sirius and James for as long as he had knew that he wouldn't be allowed to get back o studying until he had given them his full attention.

"Which one of us is the sidekick?" It was Sirius who asked this. He had somehow managed to take James' slightly less than innocent thought so deeply to heart that he was now hopping around like a small child while he waited for an answer. It was this that decided Remus.

"Padfoot." Even as he said this, he prepared himself for the attack he knew he was about to be subjected to by Sirius.

"_What?_ Why?" Sirius pulled his best hurt face. It made him look so much like a puppy that both James and Remus finally understood why his Animagus animal was a dog, something they had been wondering for an exceedingly long time.

"Prongs is more mature." Remus doubted this comment, but it seemed like a pretty good reply. He genuinely had no idea which of his two friends was more mature, but since it suited his line of argument, there was no reason it couldn't be James. Sirius did not even attempt to dispute it, but instead blundered right on with his own 'logical' reasoning.

"But I am better looking and more awesome, so he must be the sidekick." He attempted to look superior as he said this, but somehow ended up looking like a small boy who was pleased with himself.

Neither James nor Remus deigned to reply to this latest, they just looked Sirius up and down sceptically. His face fell as he noticed what they were doing, which, it should probably be noted, took several minutes.

"Hey! You're meant to be my friends. You're clearly just so jealous of my handsomeness and awesomeness that you're too sore to admit it.

The reply to this was even more insulting. Both of his friends completely ignored him, James taking the book from Remus and beginning to test him. This might have been less of an obvious insult if it had been anyone other than James Potter who was now studying. _Not only_ was he ignoring Sirius, but he was doing so whilst engaging in an activity which he would normally go miles out of his way to avoid.

Sirius vowed revenge. Then he checked his watch, and saw that it was time for lunch, and that was, naturally, infinitely more important. He raced towards the Great Hall, his friends close behind.

**This was an idea that occurred to me at two in the morning. I hope you enjoyed it, and please please pretty please review; you cannot possibly understand how happy it makes me to receive one.**


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